Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
