saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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