just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
