Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
