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I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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