I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
