yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
