Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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