I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
