my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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