Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
