I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
