i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
