You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
