if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
