We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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