I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
