I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
