This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
