Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
