He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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