i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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