Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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