What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
