i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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