it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
