Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dick very happy bro
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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