I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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