I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
