I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
