i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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