I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
