Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
