Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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