He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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