My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
