I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
