She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
