My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize