You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
