I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
