How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
