and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
