why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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