Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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