i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
They took my balls.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize