apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
