Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
