Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize