ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
