Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
