Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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