He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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