I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
