You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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