i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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