i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
