she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
