ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
